As a 12-year-old, I thought 30 was old. Seriously. My 7th grade mind quickly calculated a timeline for my life as I watched the twenty-somethings I looked up to walk across college graduation stages and down wedding aisles. In watching their stories unfold, I assumed everyone’s stories unpacked the same way, and that your twenties was all about figuring out what you wanted to do with your life and who you wanted to do it with. I thought surely by 30, I’d have it all figured out.
And then I turned 30. And I don’t have it all figured out. I’m still discovering the answer to both of those questions… learning more about what I want to do, and praying for God to introduce me to who I want to do it with. Now, looking back at my twenties, I believe that decade was more about discovering who I wanted to be than anything else.
I had mixed emotions turning 30 being single. I’ve wrestled with disappointment; feeling unworthy, unwanted, not enough, and too much; and angrily asked God tear-filled questions. It’s here, in this space, God is teaching me what this season is all about—and while I wouldn’t go back and change a thing about my twenties because it shaped who I’m becoming, I wish 20-year-old me knew what I know now about singleness and dating, simply so that I would take the pressure off myself to pursue a timeline that was never meant for my becoming story in the first place. Warrior friend, I believe each of our stories are unique and gifted to us by God—there are certainly no cookie cutter timelines or one-size fits all solutions to becoming you. Here, I offer a few truths I’m learning in my season of singleness and pray they encourage your warrior heart in the same way they’re encouraging mine…
1. Don’t try to “find” the right one, BE the right one.
It’s been said before and I share it first because it’s TRUE. I can either focus my time, energy and attention on finding someone or becoming someone. I’m focused on becoming the absolute healthiest version of me so that when God brings His man into my becoming story, I’m ready.
2. The voices you listen to matter.
I’m learning there are two groups of people in this area of my becoming journey—those who have an opinion, and those I invite to speak into my journey. The key word here is invite. Many will share insights, stories, questions, ideas, and even well-meant cliches; however, not all opinions need to stick, and that’s okay. Invite a small handful of trusted warriors who both know you best and have your best at heart into into the process and embrace their insights along the way.
3. Choose the best ways to meet people for you and set a firm foundation.
This has been a learning process for me, and I’m still learning! From dating apps, mutual friends, sliding into the DMs, TikTok applications… how do you meet someone today?! This is unique to all of us, our season, and our location. Regardless of the “how you meet someone,” the same foundational principles I’m learning apply across the board for me: be intentional, set boundaries, and my tribe is aware.
Be intentional. Don’t download a dating app or slide into someone’s DMs to stroke your ego or puff up your self-esteem in a lonely moment. On the other side of the screen is a real human with real emotions. Don’t play games.
Set boundaries. Be wise—both for your physical safety and emotional health. It’s far too easy to get caught up in the emotion of dating and sink into sadness or disappointment. I’ll say it again… be wise.
Make your tribe aware. When I ventured into online dating, my tribe was aware. They asked questions and made sure I remained intentional and true to my boundaries.
4. Life is good now.
Life isn’t better when you get there, accomplish that, marry him, or start that family. Life is good now. Your best day on this becoming journey is today. Yesterday’s gone and tomorrow’s not promised. Don’t wait to start truly living, becoming who God made you to be, until your relationship status changes. A relationship doesn’t define you… only God defines you. Psalm 139:14 declares, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Walk with your head hey high warrior friend in your identity rooted in Christ.
Life. Is. Good. Now.
5. God’s timing really is best.
Hannah’s story in 1 Samuel 1 the Bible has been a source of encouragement for me, filling me with courage, reminding me that even when I don’t understand and don’t like it, God’s plan is for my good and for my best. To wait well, give God what you’re waiting—it’s here, I can stand confidently knowing His plan truly is good and best. I shared more about this truth God is teaching me at Church of Hope last summer. You can watch the entire teaching here.
Warrior friend, wherever you find yourself today, be present here. Being present in his moment is an opportunity to invite God’s presence to prepare you for what’s next. Want the absolute best relationship one day? Be present today, becoming who God made you to be!
I want to personally invite you to join me on Monday, February 14, for a special Valentine’s Day edition of Warrior Conversations with a Singleness, Dating and Relationships Q&A with myself and Cody Cottle. Here’s what’s really fun… ladies, have you ever just wanted to understand how men think?! And guys, have you ever just wanted to understand what’s going on in a woman’s brain? We’re going to share from a single guy’s (Cody!) and single girls’ (me!) perspective answering your questions on Instagram Live! Join us Monday, February 14, at 6:30pm EST. And you can submit your questions in the comments of this blog post, or email me here.
I sure do love you, warrior friends! And you know it—I’m cheering you on big time as you’re becoming who God made you to be!