FYI: This is probably the most personal post I’ve ever published on here. It took me about a week to write and I still feel vulnerable posting it, yet I’d rather feel uncomfortable and encourage people than remain comfortable and hide the testimony God is revealing to me day by day.
Climbing up to the top of my bunk for the, I believe it is, 1000th time this year, I was hit with anxiety that tends to happen about this time every year. Making detailed planner notes just to fit in an extra nap between classes perfectly explains how little things can become big things when you only see a month ahead of yourself. Not to mention homesickness, worry, roommates, and friendships that weigh on a tiny heart in a very large world. The likes of everyday begins and ends the same and then you see a counselor to try to explain why you’re crying yourself to sleep and you’re never hungry. Finally realizing that a) You’re a girl, b) You live with four other girls, and c) You’re in college.
It’s nothing new for me to struggle with immense worry and fear. Which really boils down to an immense lack of faith and trust in the Creator of the Universe. After a very rough day at the beginning of this week, I decided that there was no more settling for a bounded mind and a worried heart. It came to the point of expecting the Lord of break through many strongholds on my mind, God demanded that I let him sift through my heart. Like Abraham, I must be obedient and take my own Isaacs to the alter and offer them as a sacrifice for the Lord to do as He pleases. The testimony of Him sifting through my heart is not nearly done, but He started with showing me that He wanted everything. He wanted the good things, He wanted the bad things, He even wanted the difficult things.
After gathering up courage for about two hours on my top bunk, I walked into my living room with red eyes and a low voice. I looked at my roommates and quietly said, “I just need prayer.” Without hesitation they gathered around me. They prayed for me, comforted me and most importantly pointed me to Jesus. One of the last statements my very bright and uplifting roommate said to me was, “When you’re battling something, remember the promises of God. Remember the truths in the Bible that are given to strengthen us.”
She read allowed James 1:2-4, ” 2] Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3] because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4] Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
In the early hours of a usual school day I received a text from a dear friend back home saying, “Praying for you today and I hope your week has started off great!” At that point it in fact had not, but the Lord knew what He was doing even in small, subtle ways. On the hand rails, as I was walking down the hallway in front of my apartment was a sticky with “James 1:2-4” written on it. The farther I walked the more sticky notes I saw.. most of them with verse references to growing trust and faith in the Lord. Immediately I felt God whispering to me, “I see you, and I’m not turning my back on you. In fact, I’m helping you to grow.”
Later that day, I had a quick break so I checked my mailbox. Incredibly enough there was a letter from a friend in there, saying that they wanted to encourage me with the verse James 1:2-4. If I have ever seen God speak so clearly it was at moment.
God not only knows what you’re dealing with, but He cares. You aren’t left alone to deal with the heartaches of everyday life. I can not say that it always feels like the Father is working with you and for you, but He is. And He so desperately wants you to know that and to believe it that He will use extremely hard situations to prove it. For me, He’s been diligent in not letting me forget that He watches over me. With every tear and every struggle He is bringing me through the refinement by the power of His might. Part of be begs for a break and a time of rest, but I know that as long as I live on this earth, there will be struggles and turmoil and my rest comes in the peace of knowing that worry does not solve things, only God can fully solve and resolve things.
Here is my personal thanks to the Creator for not releasing me into the hungry hands of doubt and for helping me to know that He cares and is aware of every tiny desire, struggle, grief, and hope that is within me.
He also knows and cares about the things you’re dealing with, and if you doubt it ask Him to be your strength because He won’t deny those who call upon His name.
Read more from Megan over on her blog, Atlantic Written.