What You’re Doing Inside of Me

 In Leadership, Personal Growth, Relationship with God

As I was driving to my Hope Life Group tonight, a song came on the radio that resonated deep within me–you know those moments when lyrics just seem to put your thoughts and feelings into words?

Whatever You’re doing inside of me, it feels like chaos, somehow there’s peace. It’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see, but I’m giving in to something heavenly.

In a recent post, I talked about how leaders push through shades of grey to find clarity. In growing in Christ, I find myself having to push through each stage and every level to find clarity–or another part of who He is creating me to be. Jenni Catron says, “Good leaders lead through the grey. They don’t get lost in it. They don’t get bogged down by it. They push through it to find clarity.” As God leads me through this thing called life, I must push through those “grey” areas, or unknown regions, and keep my eyes locked onto His. When my eyes stay focused on the One who created me, I find true clarity in life. After all, He is the One who defines clarity.
It’s time for healing, time to move on. It’s time to fix what’s been broken too long. Time to make right what has been wrong. It’s time to find my way to where I belong. There’s a wave that’s crashing over me, all I can do is surrender.

Surrendering to Christ’s power and plan for my life isn’t always a walk in the park. I’m a planner. I like to know what that “next step” is. I like to know exactly where I’ll finish my college education. I like to know what my future career plans hold. I like to know the details. Growth in Christ requires faith though. Faith believes in what I can’t always see. Easier said than done? You bet. This is where growing through shades of grey comes into play. To lock my eyes onto the face of Christ, I must re-align my thoughts. Each morning before I roll out of bed, I must create the habit to begin my day talking to Christ. When I start my car, I must create a new habit where I turn on music that shifts my thoughts towards my Savior. When I walk on my college campus, I must train my thoughts to stay focused on eternity and not obsessed on present popularity. Making these changes focuses on one day at a time–not conquering perfection. I’ll never get there. I know that I’ll always have this “chaos” inside of me–this feeling of Christ doing something inside of me that I won’t always have figured out. You know what, I believe that’s right where He wants us. If we had all of the “grey” areas figured out, then He wouldn’t be God and we wouldn’t need Him. Living in shades of grey should perhaps be the new normal that I seek.
Time for a milestone. Time to begin again. Re-evaluate who I really am. Am I doing everything to follow Your will or just climbing aimlessly over these hills? So show me what it is You want from me. I give everything, I surrender. Time to face up, clean this old house. Time to breathe in and let everything out that I’ve wanted to say for so many years. Time to release all my held back tears. Whatever You’re doing inside of me, it feels like chaos, but I believe You’re up to something bigger than me. Larger than life, something heavenly.
Lord, help me to re-train my entire thought process. I don’t want to simply go through the motions of life. I want to fully live! God, I’m beginning to realize that this feeling of chaos inside of me is a part of Your plan–Your plan to lead me into shades of grey….areas where I have no other option but trusting in You alone. God, I surrender. I surrender all. If You don’t show up, then I’m nothing at all. Do your work inside of me.
It’s time to face up, clean this old house. Time to breathe in and let everything out…

Author: Emily B. Cummins

Emily Cummins is a University of Florida & College of Central Florida grad who is passionate about partnering with people to become who they were made to be. Emily is the Online Campus Pastor at Church of Hope in Ocala, Florida. She’s passionate about storytelling, good cups of coffee, and jamming to country music. And most importantly, she’s passionately pursuing becoming the woman God made her to be.

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